My last post talks about going to school to be a psyc major….

I’m elementary ed and equine studies… oops!

I was lucky, the horses saved my life, they can save the life of so many others

sassyitalian:

In first grade there was a girl in my class, she had a birthday party and all the kids came. she always had someone to play with at recess, basically little kid popularity.

I clearly remember coming home and looking in the mirror and deciding that noone would want to be my friend because I was too ugly and only pretty people had friends.

I can remember back to being six years old, maybe younger, and thinking about throwing my self out the window.

I remember fighting with my mom and saying I was going to do it, and her telling me to go ahead.

I remember spending entire days in tears.

I was already a picky eater but during these elementary years I barely ate at all,I can’t possibly put into words what was going through my head between the ages of six and 10. I can never remember a time where I felt I was good enough. Even in my earliest memories I couldn’t measure up. I got kicked out of dance class, because I was too uncoordinated. when I skated, the rest of the girls were much younger than I was, because I started so old.

Then I found Beth, and horses, and started my recovery, which would last until I was 13. 

I gained weight. and not only was I heavier, I was entering middle school. sixth grade began my slow fall into teenage depression. 

I hung out with my cousin and the neighborhood kids, I was happy, but I saw other people with their best friends, hanging out having fun being in groups, I wanted that

In seventh grade I became suicidal. I was placed on a team with noone I knew, even worse they were all the skinny athlete type. I was not only the chubby girl, I was now that weird horse girl, and you can bet I got picked on, bullied. My parents refused to let me go to the barn more than once a week, the way my mother talked to me always put me down, I stayed home all day reading and eating, trying to escape the world I lived in. I was having episodes weekly where I would decide once and for all that I was going to die and leave the world a better place. But i would think about the barn and beth and her horses and somehow pull myself through until the next day.

I’m not fixed. Not six years later, probably not sixty years later. But I’m surviving and I’ve learned how to cope. I’ve learned how to identify triggers and how to get away. My episodes decreased from weekly to monthly to a couple a year. Last year I only had one major episode. My goal for this year is to make it through without a major one, which will be hard, especially leaving my world and entering into college.

Did I cut? … It’s still hard to believe. Did I think about it? Yes. Do I think about it now? Yes.

Am I happy? yes. well most of the time. everyone has ups and downs, i guess I might just have some more downs. The horses have played a huge role in keeping me here, my friends have, musicians have. The rest of my life is going to be affected by this.

The realization that it’s not my fault, is a huge one for me.

That it was probably something I was born with.

That I couldn’t control.

Well now I can.

I will over come this

I will live till tomorrow

I will live my dreams

I will Stay Strong.